THEN, now this one struck me, THEN Naomi said she was too old to marry again. (Ruth 1:12) Now woman. Please. I understand that in her context, in her culture, she did not see herself as any kind of bargaining chip to use to enter a marriage that might save her from the plight of being a widow with no sons and no parents to go home to. But, when I read this I immediately questioned whether or not as a divorced woman with grown kids I am possibly too old to marry again.
Life has taken unexpected twists and turns since I spent my days innocently singing along with Bob and Larry. I think of the woman I was and wonder, if I could travel back to her and tell her anything, would I? Would I tell her to brace for what was to come? Would she even believe me?
Being present as a person who loves to plan her future is, well, sometimes a bit tedious. My head is always trying to look ahead and skip the uncomfortable parts. BUT, what I am finding is that when I cannot see a future, I am more engaged in my present.
I am thankful for my Lifetime moments as much as my Hallmark moments. I am thankful to just feel again, all of the feels, to have been broken open and set free to experience life once again. Every day is a day for a new beginning or to pick up an old beginning again. I only have this ONE life. That is it! I want to live it body and soul.
There have been so many what I call “thought tornados” that I have had to resolve in the wake (tsunami) of these changes that I am finding I have no choice but to take them to God regularly. I cannot and should not burden anyone else with the anguish that is me when I am fearful. Some of me needs to remain between me and God. I have had a quite fractured relationship with God for several years and through this anguish of removing myself from the man I love, letting go of a man I loved, and embracing a challenging new opportunity – God has called me back to Him. To my knees in praise, and in fear, and in mourning, and with cries for strength because I have never felt so weak or my foundation so shaken.
I was scrolling through TikTok last night, watching the many videos on trauma, toxic relationships, and narcissism that tend to be on my “for me” page, and I recognized myself in literally almost every post. I understand the trauma, I have lived in the toxicity, I have labeled my ex as a narcissist without any […]
But what I could not see due to the bubble I had crawled into to try to protect myself, was that if I was in a toxic relationship, SO WAS HE. He was not choosing to live in a toxic place on purpose. Who would do that? He was miserable too. No one actually wants to live that way. This is powerful now, in looking back. It strips away the animosity I have felt about this period of my life.
My ultimate goal when I woke up every day was to see my life and my people through a love paradigm. This is still my goal. How could I have regret if I loved my way through the difficult times instead of allowing bitterness to reign?
Shouldn’t the person we choose to spend our lives so intimately with be chosen, at the very least, with the same standards we use to choose our friends?
He can and DOES take situations and parts of us that we think are dead and gone and he resurrects them as something new. This right here, this is an amazing and wondrous thought, isn’t it? God can raise the dead. If he can raise the dead he most certainly can breathe new life into someone who feels broken and lost.
This is a photo of my daughter, creating a heart out of the sand in the dunes on the coast of Oman – one of the most beautiful, natural places I have ever been. “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, […]