Surrendering MY will. UGH.
God keeps pointing me in this same direction that is no longer making any sense to me. What do I do with this?????
I surrender my will and my understanding.
Or, I try. Every day.
I am TRYING. Ha.
This surrendering of my will when I am in a state of confusion is a bit difficult for me. I mean, I have this need, as I have said before, to plan. I like to know where I am supposed to be going and why I am going there. What I have now is some purposeless direction. What do I DO with THAT?
According to the answers I am getting, when I am praying, I must have patience. I must stop trying to understand this direction or the why or the when and I must surrender it all to God and His will for my life. I must have courage to do this. Luckily right now, I am not being asked by Him to take any action, I just have to surrender my will/want to understand and submit to patience and allow Him to love me and calm me when I get frustrated with this. It is not always easy. I know this may sound all cryptic – and if it does, then you get it! It feels all cryptic to me too, that is why I struggle with it.
But, what I learned from my 21 days of fasting is that time spent in prayer, meditation, and reading is a great way to keep me focused. Spending time in my studio, painting, keeps me focused on the here and now and not the future. God is here and now with me. He is not in the past, He is not in the future. He is now. I mean He actually is in all of those places but having a living relationship with Him means I engage with Him in the here and now and not mourn what I did not do yesterday nor put off seeking Him until tomorrow. He is NOW. (Thank you, Sister Edith, for that bit of wisdom!)
So, this impatient person is surrendering multiple times a day, to her God, to His will, to the life He has for me which is greater than this one I have longed for, greater than the one I imagined. I give up my selfish desire to control my world in favor of a selfless desire to live for Him. Easier said than done. I am only human. But I am HIS human, so I will continue to try.
One thing I do know, from this journey, is that He means for us to love Him by loving others. It is not supposed to be a singular line, selfishly kept to ourselves, or between us and Him alone. In the love I have for others, I am having his love returned to me in a more mega type way. Love is still, and will always be the path to HIM.