All I ever wanted, growing up, was to be a wife and a mother. It was my dream. It came before everything else. I can remember dreamily staring off into the distance my freshman year of college wondering what it would feel like to finally be matched with my soul’s mate, my best friend for life. I didn’t really feel like my life could actually begin, not my grown up life, until I had married. It was as if I felt I needed the rest of me, my other half, for my life to truly begin. I felt I was specifically built to have a mate.
It is so 1950’s.
But that was me. My life’s dream was to be a doting wife and a fun mom. I am sure my parents would be surprised at this. They certainly didn’t raise me to think I had to have a man to feel complete. They didn’t push me to marry; they wanted me to have a career.
Things didn’t actually turn out the way I thought. Marriage was much harder than I imagined. It is so easy to see how my choices were not the best from this vantage point. But, really, we looked good on paper, my ex and I. He was from a wonderful and successful family; he worked in his family business; he was fun and seemed to have a ton of friends; he was a Christian; and he liked me, eventually loved me. So, when he asked, how could I say no???
I do remember the dread that I had made a terrible decision. But, I chalked it up to pre-wedding jitters. I wasn’t as prayerful back then as I am now. I know I missed Him (you know, God) I missed His guidance. So, He did the best He could with the choices I made. From here, I see I missed the mark. I missed the road that would have been a better path. Not easier perhaps, but more suited for me. Thank goodness God found ways to bless my life inside the choices He would rather I hadn’t have made. Lol.
Now, I am divorced. Is that what I am? Hard to know. My ex-husband is no longer living so does that make me a widow? I feel like a widow sometimes. A divorced widow. Regardless, I am no longer a wife. I am realizing more and more that I am truly struggling with the loss of this dream. I was a good wife. My ex may have disagreed, but I was. I took care of him and did my best to anticipate his needs and wants. I planned our trips and kept us social. I really enjoyed having a person and loving him, for a while anyway.
Who am I now that I am not a wife? Now that I will not even be actively mothering since my youngest is heading off to college in a few short weeks? This dream I have held for so long has dissolved right through my fingers and I am left wondering what in the world God means for me at this point in my life. How will He take the decisions I made so long ago and the life that was created from them, and continue to morph it all into a life He will be pleased for me to have?
Do I still want to be a wife? That’s a tricky question for me at this point. I do. But only to the just right person. If not to the just right person, then, no, I really don’t. I have to have a man I can fully give myself to – one who will see me for who I really am – a woman who uplifts and supports and gives everything she has to the ones she loves with only the most basic expectation in return – to be loved, honored, and respected. I will never diminish him. I will give and give and give and love with my whole heart. I will always, always be his cheerleader and his companion. Really that is all I want – a best friend, a companion for life.
But, right this minute I’m not even much interested in even dating so . . .
Where does that leave me????? ugh.
It leaves me building a more covenant relationship with the Lord. I am either in a holding pattern where I will eventually be wed to the man the Lord has chosen specifically for me or I will be happy and content living a more solitary life from here on out. I don’t know which He means for me. Am I waiting for my person or have I already begun a solitary life and I just don’t know it yet?? I do know that regardless as to which life the Lord is preparing for me I will need this relationship with Him to discern my path. I will need His strength to bolster me through this sometimes horribly lonely and sometimes incredibly exciting waiting time. Taking this time to grow this relationship I should have had with Him all along is what He means for me to be doing in this time right now. I know this. Sometimes, I am just impatient for the direction He has in mind. So, I have to have faith that He will push me to start saying “yes” to dates if/when I am meant to head down that path.
I feel like He and I are walking in circles.
One response to “Walking in Circles”
what a beautiful struggle 🙂 i appreciate your story so much! thank you for sharing and remember the path back to Oneness & to God, is not a straight line – it is a spiral <3 a re-centering and a re-focusing with higher clarity and more connection to God and unconditional love each time we circle back around. bless you and your travels dear sister.