Tuesday, July 12, 2022

It was one year ago today my son and I found my ex-husband, deceased, in his home.

I am emotional today.

I miss all of those things that can never happen – a peaceful existence between us, a fun and growing relationship between my kids and their father, and a hope that he would live a good long stretch without alcohol and be the man I once knew him to be for his kids.

I spent a good many months mourning this man while he was still alive through coming to terms with the ways in which alcoholism had changed him and through all of the ways one mourns a person in divorce. It feels like he has been gone for years and for no time at all.

I’ve spent some time today reflecting on this past year and how my world has changed in the wake of his death.

I feel closer to God. More than anything, more than learning about the nuances of the church, I am purposefully growing my relationship with Jesus. This is my priority. Every independent study I choose, each church service I attend, I am focusing on this.

I feel the overwhelming responsibility of being the surviving parent. I feel responsible for providing a safe and loving home and financial security for my kids, even though 2 of my 3 are technically adults.

I am suddenly hyper aware of how important my personal health and wellness really is. I do not want my children to feel the pain of losing another parent anytime soon. I want them to be free to continue to grow into the young men and young woman they are meant to be unincumbered by any more death business or responsibilities they otherwise would not encounter until they are well into adulthood.

I have also realized that since my ex husband died I have struggled to write. It’s as if his death somehow strangled my word flow and confused my purpose.

Recently I was in New Orleans for a conference and there was a tarot card reader at one of the vendor parties. All in good fun, I thought, why not?? I said a little prayer for God to guide this and to speak kind and loving words that might push me in a direction He might wish me to go and then I sat down to listen to what she had to say.

The sweet woman, who read the cards, used a Chinese deck first and told me I was having anxiety but that I was protected by an ancestor of some sort so not to worry. She said I must be a writer and that I should spend the next 28 days writing. A lot. She went on to read a traditional tarot deck and the rest of the reading was very kind and encouraging and addressed some strangely personal things going on in my life – her insights were akwardly insightful – ha.

So, here I am, writing to the world, again. 🙂

Oh, and be on the look out, I am back to painting as well!