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God has called me to my knees

I have been double whammied. Triple really.

The beautiful man I have been dating needs to take a step back and reclaim his life, reconnect with God, and heal from his divorce before he can fully give of himself. Goodness. As sad, and disappointed as I have been about this, it is so admirable. This man is a man of God – the sort of man I prayed for. I cannot argue with God’s will. And, I see the damage he was left with, the heartbreaking inability to trust fully with all of him. He needs this time. God called me to my knees to have the strength to let go.

My ex-husband died the week after my love declared a “Pause” to our relationship. My son and I found him, in his home. I am so very thankful I was there with our son, so he didn’t have to navigate the immediate aftermath of the discovery of death on his own. God called me to my knees for the strength to be a rock for my children.

And, finally, I was offered and I accepted a new position that is out of my comfort zone. Yes, I know. This is how we grow, taking on new challenges and excelling at meeting and surpassing them. It’s just a LOT of change in a tiny fraction of time. God called me to my knees for the courage to take on the challenge during a period of chaos in my life, when all I want is to hide in the comfort I’ve known.

Each one of these monumental events deserves its own post. Chapter, really. But in this moment, I am too heart weary to devote that much of myself to each one. Instead, I have spent the past two weeks (really, all of this transpired over 10 days – the Pause, death, funeral, interview, job offer) seeking my God at work in my life, because he has to be using this for my good.

There have been so many what I call “thought tornados” that I have had to resolve in the wake (tsunami) of these changes that I am finding I have no choice but to take them to God regularly. I cannot and should not burden anyone else with the anguish that is me when I am fearful. Some of me needs to remain between me and God. I have had a quite fractured relationship with God for several years and through this anguish of removing myself from the man I love, letting go of a man I loved, and embracing a challenging new opportunity – God has called me back to Him. To my knees in praise, and in fear, and in mourning, and with cries for strength because I have never felt so weak or my foundation so shaken.

I see the beauty in the healing God is working in me and the clearing away it could do to make way for the sort of partnership God has always meant for us humans to have. One where I remain a strong independent person and at the same time, what seems like a contradiction, vulnerable enough to become one beautiful being, melded together at the heart with a man that I love when this healing is done. (I pray daily He is planning on making a quick go of all of this.)

God’s fingerprints are evident in each of these events. I see Him everywhere, in the details.

God gave my oldest son the intuition to know his father needed to be checked on, and being out of town, text me to get his brother to go. God placed me at home and available to accompany his brother at that very moment.

God gave me the presence of mind to know what to do. Check for signs of life, send my son outside to call his uncle, call 911. Call one of my best friends to come to me and my mom to go to my house, to my daughter. Right there, in the moment as my son began to comprehend the finality of the day, God gave me the words to speak to his heart.

God removed me from the love of my life so I would cling to Him and not him in the aftermath of the death. I was bitter at the time. I see the brilliance now. 

God ushered me into a new job/position which will provide us with the increase in income equal, almost to the penny, of the child support we lost in his death. God is taking care of me, of my children, and of my heart as broken as it feels.

I feel so old, some days, older than my 50 years. I feel panic at the missed opportunities I’ve had and I struggle to accept that I am not in control. I cannot have what I want when I want it. I struggle in the want to become numb and to retreat into myself, in the protection of apathy. But, I am loved. And, I trust in God’s perfect plan for my life – I have just to get out of the way, forgive Him the way I know He forgives me, and surrender to this season of my life.

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