The power of journaling – diagnosing my fear
I was journaling today, you know, writing the mundane boring things. This helps me define what’s most important to include on the day’s list of tasks and what not. While journaling I realized – I am struggling with fear.
I’m not afraid of anything huge – there are no metaphorical monsters looming over me or anything. It is much more basic than that. I am afraid to be uncomfortable – to enter that place where I’ve finally committed to a humongous project (or 3). Commiting will create as many failures as successes moving forward. I am afraid to be the one in charge of pushing myself through those uncomfortable spaces to achieve my goals. I am afraid of embracing my dreams and running with them with only myself to blame when I fail or when I succeed.
Sleeping too much – a clue something is up –
I’ve been sleeping more than I usually do. While journaling, I was running through the possible causes for my want of that super safe cozy space under my covers. At fist, I thought I might be entering a bit of depression. But, as I analyzed this, I found that I really am happy and joyful in most areas of my life. I realized this could not really be the culprit. When I dug deeper into what I am avoiding by choosing to crawl into bed a couple of hours early or sleep a wee bit later, I realized that it is in order to avoid working toward these projects. I am avoiding working on these projects because if I fully commit to them I have to suffer the failures and disappointments that accompany big creative adventures like these I want to conquer. And, that doesn’t sound fun.
Fear or Depression?
Now, you may be thinking I should know myself well enough to know the difference between being afraid and a bout of depression. But, in reality, I have a million things (not just sleep) that I can fill my life with in order to avoid just about anything. This has been my default for quite awhile when I am faced with anything in life that will make me face a big emotion. It started when I realized my ex was an alcoholic. “Oh, that’s ugly.” I would say to myself. “I will look at this shiny new thing instead!”
Playing Possum – a coping mechanism that doesn’t serve me
Realizing I’m unconsciously playing possum is instrumental in moving forward. I haven’t really been out of the toxicity of my marriage/divorce for all that long. Sometimes I have to stop and analyze what’s going on with me to identify a coping mechanism I created to get through trauma that is not necessary in my current trauma free life.
Connecting to my purpose
One of the ways I have chosen to live, a motto I have embraced, is Carpe Diem. I will live my life to the fullest because it is the only one I get. As a woman over 50, I am on the back end of life now – it is now or never. I cannot wait around for life to happen, for a knight in shining armor to rescue me from imaginary circumstance. My life is in my control. I can choose to live my life in peace and comfort. Or, I can choose to be uncomfortable and truly, actively live my life. I choose to be uncomfortable.
So that’s what I’m doing. I see you, Fear, and I am ending you.
Stay tuned – 2023 will see an outburst of creativity from me in so many ways!!