I often listen to my music on random shuffle, because you know as a gen-x I purchased a lot of music before the whole Spotify playlist thing was a thing. I love the eclectic range of my music – punk to show tunes to alternative to . . . Veggie Tales.
Yep. Tonight, “Silly Songs with Larry” popped on and I was singing along to the “Hairbrush Song” before I came out of the fog of nostalgia to realize my boys are not strapped into car seats in the back in my mini van. They are, in fact, adult men with a adultish little sister and the minivan was two vehicles and a divorce ago.
Where did the time go?
Life has taken unexpected twists and turns since I spent my days innocently singing along with Bob and Larry. I think of the woman I was and wonder, if I could travel back to her and tell her anything, would I? Would I tell her to brace for what was to come? Would she even believe me?
Would I risk whatever danger Doc Brown says about how this could mess up the space time continuum?
What if she did believe me? Could I then convince her that the blessings may actually be worth the pain? What if I tell her she will love and be trampled and she will love again and feel heartache but love is always, always worth the pain? The vulnerability I have learned is necessary for real love – I wouldn’t have this vulnerability if I hadn’t been through the dark times. And, even though it hasn’t lead to that dream of a lifelong committed soulful love as of yet, it has shown me that love is worth the risk. It really is. Could I get her to see and understand this without the benefit of the dark times yet to come?
Would I risk forfeiting the woman I am now? I am strong, independent, and even more caring because of the hard times. I have lost some of my naivety and optimism. I understand the necessary and true value respect plays in relationships. And I have gained a set of eyes wide open and am anchored a bit more firmly in reality. I have had countless confirmations that my gut intuition is spot on. And, I believe in myself and in God once more.
I have gained a world of living gifts in the wake of the years of living inside a toxic relationship. The years of feeling strangled by the thick oppressive air that surrounds someone walking through an eggshell world made way for a bright future paved with significant lessons learned along the way. Here are just a few things I have learned:
The value of self evaluation and criticism and evaluating my world for what is and isn’t worth my time.
The value of friends and family and love in every form
The importance of being self sufficient. And independent. And in control of my finances.
The value of education
The need to provide a safe home and landing place for my kids
The value of counseling
The value of finding my why and my values in order to make a huge difference when trying to point myself in the best direction
The absolute doability of creating a career later in life, including an artistic one 🙂 and that success is worth the risk of failure.
And, most importantly, God has never left me. He is here, loving me, always, and that a relationship with Him is like any other – in need of constant care and attention.
So, what would I do? Would I tell her? I don’t think so. But, I would really love to hang out with her and those littles! How fun would that be??